how do traumas make love
by neverephemeral
Summary: Everything had changed. Shifted. Once, Clarke was the one to make Lexa see that love was not a weakness. Now it was Lexa who was the one trying to make Clarke believe.
**For all Lexa/Clarke fans. :)**

* * *

 _ **On scraps and pieces left behind  
I survive on the memory of you  
-All of Me by Angus and Julia Stone**_

 **C** larke stood with her back toward Polis. _Could I make an escape?_ She probably could disappear from Polis if she wanted to but she wouldn't. That wouldn't be fair to Lexa and she wasn't sure that she wanted to disappear from Polis or _her._ Lexa had trusted Clarke enough to let her out of her sight but Clarke knew better than to think that she wasn't being watched at all times, including out here in the woods. Clarke had wandered into the woods, just beyond the border of the trees, because she needed to get away. She felt as though she was suffocating. She needed air to breathe.

The blonde haired girl closed her eyes, as her shoulders deflated when she let out a deep breath. For the moment she was able to relax, really relax, and let the stress go. Clarke hadn't really relaxed since Mount Weather. _When was the last time?_ She couldn't remember. All she could remember was the screams, the tears, _the bodies._

Commander of Death.

The problem with being alone, Clarke realized, was that she was aware of how broken she was. She became aware of how not okay she was but at least when she was alone, she couldn't hurt anyone. She wasn't putting anyone at risk. Clarke both preferred and didn't prefer being alone; she felt that it was necessary though.

Clarke wasn't so lost that she didn't hear the slight sound of footsteps approaching from behind her. By the way they sounded, Clarke knew who it was. She had come to know those footsteps well. They brought her some comfort, actually. She didn't think she would ever find comfort in something again.

"I too often escape to the woods, when I need to be alone."

"Titus allows you to be alone in the woods?"

"Titus doesn't _allow_ me. I am the Commander."

Clarke smirked slightly at that. She had seen, more than once, Lexa telling Titus where to put it; she was amused whenever that happened.

"Even now, I still feel suffocated," Clarke said after a moment of silence. "It's like their spirits are all around me, boxing me in."

"Clarke-"

Overcome with nausea, Clarke dropped to her knees, her hand going to her stomach as she began to heave. Lexa moved forward but Clarke shook her head, forcing the dark haired woman to stand still. She couldn't handle anyone touching her at the moment, especially _her._ She didn't throw anything up but Clarke couldn't move. She was so broken that she wasn't able to cry anymore, even though she felt like it.

"Clarke-"

"Don't," Clarke shook her head. "Just don't, Lexa. I can't."

"You can," Lexa argued.

"No, I'm broken."

"You're not broken, Clarke," Lexa said.

Clarke nodded.

"You're not beyond repair," Lexa said as she clenched her jaw. "You are Wanheda."

"Exactly," Clarke rose to her feet and turned to face the other woman. "I'm the Commander of Death. I don't feel honored by the lives I took, Lexa." She shook her head. "I don't belong anywhere, not anymore. I don't deserve to be happy."

* * *

Lexa's eyes filled with tears as she stared at the other woman. Clarke was hurting so much that she wasn't able to help her, she didn't know how. She was, in part, the reason that Clarke is the way she is now. She never meant for any of this to happen.

"You are the most deserving of happiness," Lexa's voice was soft but steady, "and love."

Clarke's blue eyes widened slightly, _love?_ What had love done for Clarke in the past besides break her heart? She shook her head. If she hadn't loved, there wouldn't have been so much death. It's because of love, that she's broken. Love made her the Commander of Death.

"I'm incapable of being loved."

Lexa shook her head, "not true."

"The people I love," Clarke stared hard at Lexa, "end up dead. Those that are in love with me end up dead, Lexa or destroyed."

"Someone once told me that love isn't a weakness."

Clarke was at a lost for words as she stared at the other woman. Everything had changed. Shifted. Once, Clarke was the one to make Lexa see that love was not a weakness. Now, it was Lexa who was the one trying make Clarke believe. Suddenly, Clarke felt as if she were being suffocated again.

"Commander," Titus appeared behind Lexa. "You are needed."

Lexa looked at Clarke, "do not be too long out there."

"I won't," Clarke answered.

Lexa gave her one final look before she walked away with Titus. When they were out of sight, Clarke dropped to her knees, once again, and wept.

Later that evening, Clarke had prepared herself for bed but wasn't ready for sleep. She paced back and forth in her room, thinking of everything that Lexa had said to her earlier. Maybe, just maybe, Lexa had been right. Taking a deep breath, Clarke left her bedroom and made her way to Lexa's. She had made her decision.

* * *

It took Clarke five minutes to convince herself to knock on Lexa's bedroom doors.

 _This was a stupid idea._

 _What if she's asleep?_

 _I shouldn't do this._

 _She's probably asleep._

 _I can't do this._

When she finally did, it was a quick, forceful knock and her hand was shaking. She paused for a moment before she let herself in. Clarke's breath was taken away when she spotted Lexa; her wavy hair down and pulled over one shoulder, her thin black nightgown hung loose on her frame. The slit up her thigh, showing off her smooth, tanned skin made Clarke's face warm.

"Clarke," she was surprised to see her. "Is everything alright?"

"I'm sorry, I hope I didn't disturb you."

"You did not," Lexa shook her head.

"Are you sure? I can leave-"

"Clarke," Lexa interrupted her.

Clarke took a deep breath and walked over to the other woman and placed a light kiss upon her lips. She could feel Lexa's surprise and when she pulled back, she looked at her. "I'm scared, Lexa. Everything, _everyone_ , I love..." she shook her head. "I can't loose you."

Lexa shook her head slightly, "you won't."

Clarke nodded her head and Lexa leaned in and pressed her lips against the blonde's. The dark haired woman walked backwards, Clarke followed, to her bed. Clarke held eye contact with Lexa as the woman scooted up the bed, her back resting against her intricately made wooden headboard. The blonde followed her, the bottom of her own nightgown riding up as her legs rubbed against the fur blankets.

"Clarke."

"It's okay," Clarke straddled the other woman, pressing her lips more tightly against the other woman's. "I want this… I want you." This time when she kissed her, she brushed her tongue against her bottom lip. Lexa opened her mouth instantly and brushed her own tongue with Clarke's.

Clarke pressed her lips to Lexa's exposed neck, nipping at her skin and then soothing it with her tongue as Lexa used her hands to explore Clarke's body. She ran her hands up Clarke's thighs, sometimes pressing her fingers hard into her skin when Clarke hit certain spots. The room was soon filled with their sighs and moans of pleasure.

Not once did Clarke feel suffocated.

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 ** _Thank you for reading. :)_**


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